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An open letter to the Loner community from Duty's PR department

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  01:11:19  16 May 2011
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BobBQ
2007-2017
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 07/30/2007
Messages: 3336
An open letter to the Loner community from Duty's PR department

Dear Free Stalkers:

To protect the world from the Zone, some people meticulously study it in hopes of understanding its nature... But it doesn't matter, because we'll destroy it eventually through the unrelenting force of our will. See how cool Barin looks out on patrol... If you buy a 20,000 ruble PSZ-9d suit, you will be a cool stalker too. And chicks would dig you, if there were any in the Zone.

At Duty we gather and use artifacts, just like a bunch of other factions have done dating back to about 2007. But our way is better, because we only sell them to ecologists. Because you suck, and we hate you.

Our OTs-14-4A is the best rifle for all Zone conditions. It may use expensive ammo, and it has the ergonomics of a brick with Down's, but that is your fault. If you were a true stalker, you'd suck it up and fight on. Look at Skull and his boys, those underbarrel grenade launchers sure are cool, aren't they? Yeah, we know you want one. And by the way, check out our elite Sniper Val. We crafted this even though the AS comes from the factory with an optics rail that works perfectly well. If you were a really awesome pro mutie hunter, you would be able to see that our version is better. Anyway we won't even give it to you unless you murder some members of a rival faction that we've secretly made a ceasefire with. If that's too much for you, it is because you aren't doing your part in fighting the Zone.

By the way, our expensive, high-end, lots-of-plastic rifles like the AN-94 are the bestest things ever, and totally worth smuggling in from Russia, but note that expensive, high-end, lots-of-plastic rifles from other factions are anarchist garbage. Not that it matters, because you're Loners, so we won't sell them to you unless we feel like it. Because you suck, and we hate you, but we know you'll be back. We can deny you access to our base or even to the entire Bar for arbitrary reasons and make you do all the crap jobs for us, but you'll come back, you always do.

Support Duty. Do your part in protecting the world from the Zone.

Sincerely,
V. N. Ivantsov, Duty Public Relations Department

Because you suck. And we hate you.


(Original content: http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2007/10/09/hk-because-you-suck-and-we-hate-you/ )
  02:39:00  16 May 2011
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Tejas Stalker
Official Stalker on Facebook
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 05/12/2007
Messages: 23703
An open letter to the Loner community from Duty's PR department

BobBQ~

Nice revision.

However don't forget Colonel Skull was a Duty Traitor.

TS
  05:25:59  16 May 2011
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BobBQ
2007-2017
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 07/30/2007
Messages: 3336
I am convinced that Voronin was lying to ensure plausible deniability. Because we suck. And he hates us.

Advertisement recently broadcast during intermissions on 'Late Nite Laffs with Yar & Ashot'

Howdy-ho, stalkers.

Look at your suit. Now look at mine. Now back at your suit. Now back to mine.

Sadly, you don't have mine. But if you stopped wearing a ratty old Sunrise and switched to Guardian of Freedom, you'd have the protection of mine.

Look down. Back up. Where are you?

You're in the sarcophagus, with a suit that protects you from EVERYTHING.

What's in your hand? Back at me. I have it. It's a detector that will lead you to your wildest dreams.

Look again. The detector is now a Compass! Anything is possible when you wear Guardian of Freedom and not a Sunrise. I'm on a Burer.

*whistles*


(Original content: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owGykVbfgUE )
  09:01:39  16 May 2011
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Tejas Stalker
Official Stalker on Facebook
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 05/12/2007
Messages: 23703
An open letter to the Loner community from Duty's PR department

BobBQ~

I love those Old Spice commercials.

If only someone had the resources to bring your version to life.

TS
  10:18:35  16 May 2011
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romulous
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 12/28/2007
Messages: 1868

---QUOTATION---
Advertisement recently broadcast during intermissions on 'Late Nite Laffs with Yar & Ashot'

---END QUOTATION---



ROFL
  10:36:05  16 May 2011
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009
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 05/13/2010
 

Message edited by:
009
05/16/2011 10:43:05
Messages: 754
This suddenly gave me an idea. Not quoting any commercials but it's still hilarious to hear:

Stalkers.

Duty are currently in need of volunteers who are willing of saying one liners to passing Stalkers days after days. Making them very mishappy and butt hurted every time they enters Rostok. Those who are interested will report to Colonel Petrenko, who will train you the art of saying cheesy one liners up in the mountains, also known as the radioactive hills of Garbage. There you will eat and sleep with radiation, clean your self with Fruit punch anomalies, learns kung fu with Pseudo Dogs, walks over burning camp fires with Woft and trains your vocal cortex using a crowbar, stolen from a deceased Loner named Gordon Freeman. Once enlisted, you will be promoted to Warrant Officers and receive and constant supply of milk and cookies directly from Kremlin.

Duty will be greatly pleased at your dedication toward saving the world from the Zone's evil, by chanting the greatest quote of Duty's long history: "Get out of here Stalker"

(Warning: side effects include being assassinated by pissy Stalkers, VOG25s in the face, and Barkeep's secret AN94)
  17:32:01  16 May 2011
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Thrashdude
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 01/15/2010
 

Message edited by:
Thrashdude
05/16/2011 17:32:30
Messages: 3940
STALKER Knife

In the Zone, the hand can be used as a punch.

-hit-

But that method doesn't work with a STALKER.

DUN DUN

We use, the STALKER knife. It's a knife that no Stalker should be without. The STALKER knife can cut through a slice of Kolbasa so thin you can almost see through it!

It cuts dogs better than a chainsaw!

And it goes through bloodsuckers as if they were melted butter!

The STALKER knife is so short it can't reach a man three centimeters away, and still hit a chimera three meters away. It can chop wood - and still remains so sharp. It's a knife that will last forever. How much would you pay for a knife like this? Before you answer, listen, it even comes with a matching tark to make stalking a pleasure.


Wait, there's much, much more!

We also want you to have this six - in - one STALKER tool! It peels salami, peels rations and slices paper thin bread parts! This amazing knife even grates salami, cheese and makes beautiful decorative corpses. How much would you pay for all these items? Well, we'll give up these six precision steak knives, the handles even match the STALKER, and to make the order completely irresistible, you'll get this spiral slicer, down and around and down and around, and you'll have a great artifact for your campfire! Now, how much would you pay?

You get the STALKER knife, the matching mutant Tark, versatile six - in - one kitchen tools, six steak knives and the spiral slicer. You get them all. Guaranteed in writing for 50 years! For only 100 roubles. It's the most incredible knife offer ever. Here's how to order -


-static-

Original: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abLB7aTmnE4
  20:28:31  16 May 2011
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weidrik
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 03/15/2009
Messages: 182

---QUOTATION---
STALKER Knife
---END QUOTATION---



Kinda reminds me of this:


---QUOTATION---
Hi, my name is Richard Machowicz and I served in the elite US NAVY SEALS *cough*FVCK DELTA*cough* for 10 years. Join me on tonight's episode of FUTURE WEAPONS where we explore all sorts of cool crap that will have fat nerds arguing on the internet for weeks.

Tonight we get a never before seen look at the latest in hand-to-hand combat earth moving technology that is currently in use with our SPECIAL FECES in Afghanistan and IRAQ...

The Shovel, Highspeed, Individual, Titanium - or S.H.I.T.

My first impression of this AWESOME piece of gear was "This S.H.I.T. is awesome." I have never before seen any sort of S.H.I.T like this during my 10-year career as a US NAVY SEAL.

Have I mentioned that I was a member of the ELITE US NAVY SEALS? Well, I was. ELITE NAVY SEALs - suck on that, bitches.

Anyway, if you need to dig a hole - just take a S.H.I.T. in your hands start digging. In my years as a member of the ELITE US NAVY SEALS *cough*theSASsucks*cough* I was never able to construct a fighting position with the speed and efficiency than I did when using this S.H.I.T.

And when you need to close with the enemy mano-a-mano, there is no better thing to dispatch your enemy than a good S.H.I.T. Its revolutionary construction enables one to generate extremely HIGH-VELOCITIES. A high-velocity S.H.I.T. in the enemy's face is deadly.

When this S.H.I.T. hits the fan, the fan is fvcking dead.
---END QUOTATION---





http://www.militaryphotos.net/forums/showthread.php?120810-ID-these-pants-worn-by-Leonardo-Di-Caprio-in-Blood-Diamonds-(MP.Net-Classic-topic)&p=2785599&viewfull=1#post2785599

  01:32:31  19 May 2011
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BobBQ
2007-2017
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 07/30/2007
Messages: 3336
Audio clip from a recent episode of Late Nite Laffs with Yar & Ashot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un5OckofEOA
  02:30:53  19 May 2011
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Maiman
Guess Who.
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 01/22/2008
Messages: 3531
My god... too much Ashot and Yar!

*brain explodes*
 
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