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  18:34:06  26 October 2017
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badade
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 12/18/2011
Messages: 598

---QUOTATION---
(keep in mind, I am speaking from my own point-of-view and within the realm of people I have interacted with, that have been through similar situations)

one of the most prominent issues with PTSD is the fear of and thus avoiding places, people and situations that remind one of the original trauma(s), due to the fear of being put through the very same trauma, as an irrational response due to the similarity of what occured when one was first traumatized

fear, in turn, is not really an emotional response to a situation, but rather an instinctive one - as any living being faced with imminent death is likely to have at least [a] moment of panic

and it is this very [moment], which acts as a trigger in PTSD, i.e. the split-second of irrational panic, regardless of how threatening the current situation at hand [truly] is; if the similarities are strong enough, then the brain will make the connection and for a fleeting moment all rationale is gone and suddenly it is about life or death

it is within those [triggered] moments that the core-issue resides, since most day-to-day situations/encounters are of a non-threatening nature (of course, scenarios may differ, if per example you are in prison, or in a war-torn nation, etc. - but once again; let's keep it simple) and even-so there may at any given moment occur a situation of such a similar nature as one associates with a traumatic event and thus instincts take precedence over rationality and the response will be accordingly

if then your natural response to fear is to run away, you may find yourself 'cornered' (metaphorically, but even-so the sensation of actual, physical boundaries may appear very much real in the situation, perhaps as the sensation of being grabbed/held against one's will, or similar) and thus no matter what you try, you will nonetheless find yourself unable to physically escape the situation, whereto you may force yourself to act (i.e. 'survival-instincts')

the [act] at hand then (as response to the triggered [moment]) is where irrationality remains the key-difference between 'natural' responses to stressful situations and a traumatic response to the very same - and the key-issue becomes deciphering how to, in a moment of [actual] fear for one's own (or others) life, to remain 'calm' and manage to resolve it, without taking to immediate action

there are various forms of therapy that handle this, by per example exposing the patient to a trigger-situation, within a 'secure' environment ('exposure-therapy'), to give the patient a sense of control [of] the situation, as it is being exposed to him/her and also discussing 'trigger-moments' and try to figure out what the underlying emotional response is (as per example in my case; I nearly always respond in anger, whilst 8 out of ten situations does not demand any emotional response at all, due to their nature being completely non-threatening and it is but my own irrationality that found it provoking and the remaining two times it is most likely that 'sadness', or similar emotion would be the 'proper' response, i.e. I get some bad news and instinctively I do not get sad, I get furious)

of course there is much more to it than this, but I figured I'd put this in here, to try and elaborate, if nothing else, for my own sake (and clarity), since I started this, I may as well continue, no?
---END QUOTATION---



@Lord_Santa

Please do continue, I've been trying to sort myself out for years after an episode and you may drop a life changing pebble which could float me in the right direction.

Hats off to TS for the sensitive way he's replied, he's shot up in my estimation of late as I always thought him a bit of a dick, but he's turning out to be a really nice Stalker; [This is why I've refrained from commenting... I have social tourettes]
  22:28:49  26 October 2017
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Lord_Santa
>>opinions will differ>>
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 07/04/2007
Messages: 2117

---QUOTATION---
@Lord_Santa

Please do continue, I've been trying to sort myself out for years after an episode and you may drop a life changing pebble which could float me in the right direction.
---END QUOTATION---



badade

I am glad to hear that this may be of some use to others than me and am determined to continue trying to further expand upon this; and I fully understand that it may not gain as many replies (in terms of the original 'question') as I may have hoped for, but nonetheless it might help me further unravel the diagnosis, symptoms and course of action(s), by looking at the individual pieces and try to expand upon them by conveying various 'scenarios' (or similar) and breaking those down in order to find common nominators; as well as share a few 'tricks' I have been using (such as physical exercise, etc.) and simply see where it goes from there...
  14:19:04  30 October 2017
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Lord_Santa
>>opinions will differ>>
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 07/04/2007
 

Message edited by:
Lord_Santa
10/30/2017 16:09:02
Messages: 2117
self-perception: a core-aspect to 'living with' PTSD is how you perceive yourself and how you allow others to perceive you
if you victimize yourself (and I believe you if you tell me that you got damn good reason for it - I don't judge.), or let others do the same, then inevitably you will [become] a victim to the circumstance - and you will never [not] be a victim of that/those specific trauma(s)

of course, depending on the kind of trauma, one may have experienced - per example helplessly watching a loved one be mutilated, while you yourself are unable to act, for whatever reason - and you cannot ever stop blaming yourself for your ineptitude (i.e. witness to something traumatic) - regardless of situational context, there is also a victim-mentality embedded into [that] line of thinking

if you were yourself the [actual victim] of a situation, whereas you were regardless of your struggle, unable to fend off your perpetrators and thus remain in constant fear of being restrained, of course it is [understandable] if you feel that you are a [victim]

the dangers of victimization are primarily comfort and exaggerated fear
comfort, may seem like a crass choice of words, considering the role of the victim - but as I am certain we are all aware of by now; there is a certain comfort in having others victimize us; it does not necessarily ease the burden, but for a lot of people it is the one thing that defines them and thus by never letting go of that role, nor ever letting others not know of it, you will perpetually remain in a constant state of recognition as such, thus never actually leaving [the trauma] behind, for better and/or worse

now in this case (of [victimization]), I mention 'exaggerated fear', rather than simply 'fear'; something which I previously established was an instinct and thus was disregarded from rationality - but I urge that in the case of perceiving oneself as a victim is to perpetuate the 'sensation' of fear and thus inadvertently lowering the bar of what may trigger you and when

of course self-perception, with or without having been traumatized is a more complex issue than what I am able to fully elaborate upon, since it is, by its very nature, subjective - I can only speak of my own take on things and how I perceive [my]self, which is never having allowed anyone to victimize me, for better and worse, since it influences my day -to day emotional state; thus it is necessary to be as [objective] to the trauma(s), as possible and try to look at it from as neutral a point-of-view, as possible; allow oneself to imagine that it was [someone you cared for], in the very same situation, would you not 'feel sorry' for them?

so it is about finding a balance - and that's where I currently am at on this particular matter in the question; trying to allow myself to emotionally connect with the actual fear of my traumas, rather than the anger at having been unable to control it and thus allowing myself to [be] an actual victim [to] said circumstances, thus being able to let it go, rather than refusing to 'yield', simply of fear as to what would actually happen if I trusted someone else to take care of me and not being in control of the situation

(edited for... clarification?)

(keep in mind, this is such a complex issue to speak of, not so much because of my personal involvement, as terminology and correctly putting thoughts into words - so bear with me for any edits and hopefully I will be able to maintain somewhat coherency of my writings)
  23:45:28  30 October 2017
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Tejas Stalker
Official Stalker on Facebook
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 05/12/2007
 

Message edited by:
Tejas Stalker
10/30/2017 23:46:59
Messages: 23708
PTSD

Lord_Santa~

I don't have a personal experience myself that I feel that would qualify
for what you are talking about, however I did meet someone who did
and I thought I would offer some of that experience to give you some
feedback from the point of view as an observer. I met a woman who
had recently been divorced from her husband. She told me that when
she was a little girl, her mother re-married and she got a new step-father.

As she was the only child and it was a time when a divorced woman with
a child was much more of a struggle than we see today, that her step-
father starting sexually abusing her. Without going into a lot of detail,
this took place for many years. Once she got in her teens and her mother
and step-father had their own children ( two new half-sisters a few years
apart ) she said the abuse stopped. She feels certain it was due to having
other children in the house ( especially those being his own ) and she does
not feel that his actual children were abused by him. The two things that
stand out are she feels her mother had to be aware this took place when
she was really young so she has a lot of blame and resentment towards
her mother for turning a blind eye to the abuse. However she's also aware
as an adult that being on the second marriage, being Catholic and the
stigmatization of being a woman without adequate means of support that
her mother may have resigned to the fate that both of them were being
dealt. The other thing is an incident when she had gone through many
years of abuse, that her step-father molested her and a girl neighbor from
next door together at the same time. This produced a reaction from her
that some people may find hard to believe. She was outraged and hurt
that her step-father was sharing something with the neighbor that she
thought was special and just for her. A sense of jealousy so to speak.

I really don't have much more to add except as an adult she went to a lot
of counseling and institutionalized therapy. Even as we were dating briefly.
She even said one time while married that her husband and she went on a
picnic and she brought a book along about sexual-abuse and was reading it
when it annoyed him. It was almost like she just couldn't read enough or
get enough therapy about her situation. This resulted in many conflicts
related to employment to constantly needing to take off ( even from new
jobs where she just started which is a bad impression to make ) and spent
a lot of money for her medical needs even during periods between jobs.

I mention this because I was never sure if she actually needed all of this or
simply all the therapists, counselors or psychiatrists were just telling her
she needed it to continue the gravy train they were receiving. The other
thing to mention is the past abuse certainly didn't dampen or impede her
sexual appetite so it wasn't any things along the lines of being frigid or
having underlying hesitation or difficulties to perform. In fact she was a
little more comfortable and expressive than most women are. So there
you go, don't know if this serves you or helps you in any way but hopefully.

TS
  19:05:13  31 October 2017
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Three Mile Island
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 11/04/2008
Messages: 2031
Lord_Santa,


---QUOTATION---

physically abused at my one-year birthday by caregiver -before that I had arrived at the age of about 8 months with a (physical) head-trauma (my skull-bone was fractured), which was suspected as physical abuse by caregiver,

---END QUOTATION---


Maybe such child abuse coexists with attachment problems between infant and (primary) caregiver? That alone might have consequences (like anxiety) later in life. See e.g. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/attachment-issues-and-reactive-attachment-disorders.htm


---QUOTATION---

I have been exercising for almost a year, on a daily basis for the past eight months, or so - I exercise mainly at home, using my own body and a pair of crude dumbbells; apart from that I do take long walks, climb cliff/trees and lift a lot of wood...

---END QUOTATION---


Sounds good...


---QUOTATION---
it does not involve me over-exerting myself to any extent;
---END QUOTATION---


Nothing wrong with heavy exercises, but if you overdo them for a long time you can basically "burn out", with symptoms like elevated stress, fatigue and depression. This may not be a problem for you at this time, just be aware that exercising can be slightly addictive so if you'll start chasing highs it's easy to overdo it. See e.g. https://www.hss.edu/conditions_overtraining.asp


---QUOTATION---
I am still learning how to eat more vitamins, etc.
---END QUOTATION---


Normally I think a balanced diet will suffice, but make sure you eat enough proteins if you exercise. Some readymade foodstuffs are very poor in this regard, but even if you eat healthy food perhaps the actual servings are too small. My problem seems to be that I can't tell if I need more proteins (it doesn't make me hungry) until my mood changes, but since it's a slow process it's often hard to recognize for what it is.
  09:13:46  3 November 2017
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Lord_Santa
>>opinions will differ>>
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 07/04/2007
 

Message edited by:
Lord_Santa
11/03/2017 23:01:55
Messages: 2117
Tejas Stalker

I have met women with similar stories in my life and while I fully understand the need to escape/rationalize/make some kind of sense of certain situations one have been put through - and sexual abuse is much more complex, due to its very deeply emotional nature and the powerlessness in the situation(s), both physically and mentally, the problem (as you seem to have experienced it), is when it engulfs a person - and that I believe is where the actual [core] of the diagnosis lies; the inability to let go

thank you for your input - I'm not sure what will come out of all of this, but it does help me get some objectivity, which is essential to my... task (resolving my [own] issues/being emotionally stuck)

Three Mile Island

that first link/article explained a hell of lot more than you'd think
I myself have tried to convey the very message of that text to various psychologists/psychiatrists; unfortunately there have been grave misunderstandings between my ability of expressing my thoughts and their ability to put the pieces in place and as such [they] for many years ignored my past issues of abuse and focused only on my [current] behavioral patterns, which resulted in the very unfortunate diagnosis of anti-social personal disorder; this has since been remedied, after I spent the final two years of my 'psychology/psychiatrist-sessions' with several, very professional people and it was not until then that they actually managed to coherently piece the puzzle together and realize that nor my past, nor my current behavior could possibly warrant for said diagnosis and as such they chose to 'remove it'

I prefer not speaking too much of it (the anti-social disorder), since [it] is a vastly different diagnosis and is neurological as well; but I may touch upon it further down the line, due to having at the very least one family-member 'suffering' from it - but it was very, very interesting to see such similarities

that being said; I am 'grateful' to see that there's actually been some studies pertaining to the subject, since I've always found it blatantly obvious that physical and emotional abuse from care-givers from early on will mess with a person's ability to function on a basic social level

very useful link with regards to exercise, as well; I'm trying to maintain a good balance, but I have been known to become obsessed with things (that and my wife's been on me to calm down a little - i.e. take the weekends off, or similar)

as with regards to food; I've found that the breakfast [is] indeed the most important meal of the day - and as such I start every morning with the same (oatmeal-porridge, two boiled eggs and toast), apart from that I'm still learning to 'eat proper' overall, due to never really having had an appetite and just recently started eating vegetables, etc.
I have begun following a schedule when it comes to food, which does help alleviate my mood-swings


----------
I will continue this thread at a slow pace, due to it taking a lot of time to formulate my thoughts, whilst trying to keep the thread on-topic (i.e. the diagnosis of PTSD - and not necessarily 'my horrible past 101'), but it is difficult to pin-point certain aspects, without me revealing certain parts; so bear with me if things take time
  20:15:34  4 November 2017
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Tejas Stalker
Official Stalker on Facebook
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 05/12/2007
Messages: 23708
PTSD

Lord_Santa~

Definitely I understand the gist of this is NOT "Look what happened to me"
but more of a "What can I and/or others do to improve/better my life?"
and share with others to benefit all. There's no hurry. Do whatever
at your own pace. All of your friends are here to support you.

TS
  22:59:18  6 November 2017
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Lord_Santa
>>opinions will differ>>
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 07/04/2007
Messages: 2117

---QUOTATION---
PTSD

Lord_Santa~

Definitely I understand the gist of this is NOT "Look what happened to me"
but more of a "What can I and/or others do to improve/better my life?"
and share with others to benefit all. There's no hurry. Do whatever
at your own pace. All of your friends are here to support you.

TS
---END QUOTATION---



thank you TS - I never doubted your sincerity, friendship or support
  23:12:58  6 November 2017
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Lord_Santa
>>opinions will differ>>
(Resident)

 

 
On forum: 07/04/2007
 

Message edited by:
Lord_Santa
11/07/2017 1:02:55
Messages: 2117
I believe that in order to reach any answers, one must look at one's own specific trauma(s), which in my case would be (roughly):

physical violence against my person, from early age

a lot of alcohol/drug/gun -related incidents during my entire childhood, but especially so from the age of 0-6 (at about the age of five I already [had] had a gun pulled at me once, due to my step-father mistaking me for a burglar, or worse - as I interrupted him at his office in the middle of the night - since then I have had guns pulled at me, at least twice)

biological father who terrorized the family, ages 0-3 in form of physical and sexual abuse (not necessarily sexual in my case; but physical, etc.) forcing us to flee in the middle of the night, time and time again

two people overdosing in our apartment (I was between ages 3-5)

police breaking in to our apartment in the middle of the night (due to my step-father, whom my mother married, having left my biological father - said step-father turned out to be a heavy criminal), using a battering-ram and dogs, with guns pulled on basically everyone inside the apartment; I was about 5 going on six at the time - supposedly the police had not been informed that there were children present...

...thus leading up to foster-care who used to lock me up in a very small, completely dark, confined space, due to me 'misbehaving'. not sure how many months spent at said foster-care before child-protection agency realized the mistreatment

after that I had about two years of 'peace', at another foster-care, until I moved back with my mother and sister out into the ghetto...

...where I was constantly bullied both at school and outside, thus I mainly stuck to myself

these things (these trauma's) kept repeating themselves (in various forms), due to the life-style of my parents and thus I had to live/relive this as part of my upbringing, until about age the age of 14, almost fifteen, when I moved away on my own accord (to foster-care, then various student-dorms), which lasted until about the age of 21, when I suddenly found myself in a strange city, with no money, no apartment and basically only knew one person; my ex-girlfriend, whom I had moved here for

two and a half years of living on the streets later, I got me an apartment through a drug-rehab program

so those are the 'gist' of my traumas

breaking them down a bit further, would be something along the lines of;

physical abuse, restrained/isolated at early age, witnessed people doing horrible things to one another (once again, from very young age), been exposed to actual life-threatening situations, finally ended up living on the streets (having moved about 25 times, up until then - to and fro foster-care, between two different countries, etc.)

thus it goes without saying that I am a bit 'hyper-vigilant' and offensive; but my 'issue' lies in the inability to let go of these instincts, because I am constantly preparing for one or more of those scenarios to return - and they have, time and time again, due to me never really 'leaving' the world of heavy criminals, until about a year ago, when I finally put my foot down and (hopefully) cut my last ties to those kinds of people (heavy criminals that is), as they have a tendency to create situations such as previously mentioned

I myself am at a point in life where I feel that I am finally done with therapy, finally done with pills, finally done with... that kind of life

now I'm just trying to break down the final bits of knowledge that I carry with me after all these years, trying to reach a point in life, where I can finally just lay back and give it a rest - and let go of the emotional connection to these events of the past and most importantly stop expecting them to repeat, because patterns will always repeat, if you look for them long enough

....

(this was on a tangent, but necessary for the my continued dissection of the subject, as I find it relevant for the discussion at hand to present some sort of picture of the core-issues, so that it may be easier to connect the specific behavior to the specific trauma, at the very least in my case - and hopefully that in turn will give a 'general pointer' in to what I'm looking for and thus, it may also answer what questions others have been looking for)
  02:19:54  7 November 2017
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badade
Senior Resident
 

 
On forum: 12/18/2011
Messages: 598

---QUOTATION---
I believe that in order to reach any answers, one must look at one's own specific trauma(s), which in my case would be (roughly):

physical violence against my person, from early age

a lot of alcohol/drug/gun -related incidents during my entire childhood, but especially so from the age of 0-6 (at about the age of five I already [had] had a gun pulled at me once, due to my step-father mistaking me for a burglar, or worse - as I interrupted him at his office in the middle of the night - since then I have had guns pulled at me, at least twice)

biological father who terrorized the family, ages 0-3 in form of physical and sexual abuse (not necessarily sexual in my case; but physical, etc.) forcing us to flee in the middle of the night, time and time again

two people overdosing in our apartment (I was between ages 3-5)

police breaking in to our apartment in the middle of the night (due to my step-father, whom my mother married, having left my biological father - said step-father turned out to be a heavy criminal), using a battering-ram and dogs, with guns pulled on basically everyone inside the apartment; I was about 5 going on six at the time - supposedly the police had not been informed that there were children present...

...thus leading up to foster-care who used to lock me up in a very small, completely dark, confined space, due to me 'misbehaving'. not sure how many months spent at said foster-care before child-protection agency realized the mistreatment

after that I had about two years of 'peace', at another foster-care, until I moved back with my mother and sister out into the ghetto...

...where I was constantly bullied both at school and outside, thus I mainly stuck to myself

these things (these trauma's) kept repeating themselves (in various forms), due to the life-style of my parents and thus I had to live/relive this as part of my upbringing, until about age the age of 14, almost fifteen, when I moved away on my own accord (to foster-care, then various student-dorms), which lasted until about the age of 21, when I suddenly found myself in a strange city, with no money, no apartment and basically only knew one person; my ex-girlfriend, whom I had moved here for

two and a half years of living on the streets later, I got me an apartment through a drug-rehab program

so those are the 'gist' of my traumas

breaking them down a bit further, would be something along the lines of;

physical abuse, restrained/isolated at early age, witnessed people doing horrible things to one another (once again, from very young age), been exposed to actual life-threatening situations, finally ended up living on the streets (having moved about 25 times, up until then - to and fro foster-care, between two different countries, etc.)

thus it goes without saying that I am a bit 'hyper-vigilant' and offensive; but my 'issue' lies in the inability to let go of these instincts, because I am constantly preparing for one or more of those scenarios to return - and they have, time and time again, due to me never really 'leaving' the world of heavy criminals, until about a year ago, when I finally put my foot down and (hopefully) cut my last ties to those kinds of people (heavy criminals that is), as they have a tendency to create situations such as previously mentioned

I myself am at a point in life where I feel that I am finally done with therapy, finally done with pills, finally done with... that kind of life

now I'm just trying to break down the final bits of knowledge that I carry with me after all these years, trying to reach a point in life, where I can finally just lay back and give it a rest - and let go of the emotional connection to these events of the past and most importantly stop expecting them to repeat, because patterns will always repeat, if you look for them long enough

....

(this was on a tangent, but necessary for the my continued dissection of the subject, as I find it relevant for the discussion at hand to present some sort of picture of the core-issues, so that it may be easier to connect the specific behavior to the specific trauma, at the very least in my case - and hopefully that in turn will give a 'general pointer' in to what I'm looking for and thus, it may also answer what questions others have been looking for)
---END QUOTATION---



Its like walking on eggs and no doubt I will put my foot in it; nobody can really help and I know your not asking for help but you have to break free.
I had a series of traumatic incidents in quick succession which knocked me off the rails and my head wen't walkabout for a while. I took what the Dr prescribed and sat numbed through a few talking sessions, which bored my tits off, and decided to try to sort myself out. If I had the money I'm sure I could have benefited from seeing a top psycho, whatever, specialist but you work with what you've got. Nobody knows me better than myself and over the years I've managed to find a peace of sorts which I continue to build on.
After my last post I found myself going back over the incidents, feeling the dreadful sense of helplessness and decided to stop.

I think for me this is as good as it gets, I try to keep it locked away and under control and every years better than the last. I've wasted enough of my life worrying and I'm sick and tired of having something trying to smother, suck up all the joy, its all in my head after all and reliving it over and over again might help but for me it just keeps it fresh.

Take care mate.
 
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